WHO AM I?

Free is a feeling we all want to feel. We also desperately want to know who we are and remind ourselves every so often. Kaajal Barchha assumes the role of Aazaad as she seeks inspiration, answers and illumination in the darkness of night. Nobody has stepped into the life and mind and shoes of Aazaad so seamlessly. Read it to claim your right to stare into space and ask the night that listens but may or may not answer…

It’s been a while since I peered at a star spangled sky. I can easily spot The Belt of Orion and its three stars: Zeta, Epsilon and Delta, shining side by side. I was able to spot this constellation very easily when I was on Earth too. Feels good to see a familiar sight.

Back on Earth, when I was a child, the night sky had oddly comforted me with its vastness and silence. Z, E and D were buddies. Light years away, they heard me out, twinkling and waving in solidarity.

I wonder how old they are. How old is every fiery, stony, combustible, congregated element in the Universe? And the Universe itself?

Quantum physics and the all-knowing internet know. 14 billion years they say, is the age of the Universe. That’s when the big bang took place.  The solar system is 4.5 billion years old and we, humans have existed for only a few million years. But, my brain is taking its own trail.

Quantum physics says that everything is energy and energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It means the Universe, the solar system, aliens (I’m yet to meet one), us, humans, have always existed and we will continue to exist. We can never cease to exist; we merely change forms.

Hence, we’re experiencing infinite finitudes within a lifetime. My mind boggles at the illusion of being finite yet infinite beings!

Another immeasurable phenomenon comes to mind – LOVE.

Quantum physics also says that everything in the Universe, including the human race is bound by the Law of Love, also called the Law of Attraction (LOA). It holds every atom and molecule in the Universe together. It governs all the energy in the Universe. In simple terms, it means ‘like attracts like’ and just like the Law of Gravity, it is universal.

If our thoughts and feelings are energy too, perhaps our life is governed by this all-encompassing LOA. Positive thoughts attract good outcomes and negative thoughts manifest as worrisome and problematic life experiences. We pretty much create our reality by the thoughts and beliefs we predominantly hold. We therefore create our own life experiences through our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. We are the creators and we are also the creation! How exhilarating and empowering!

If we truly are the mighty creators of our own destiny then why do we live fatalistically? Why do we often say, “May be the stars aren’t aligned and that’s why we’re going through troubling times?”

In truth, because of LOA responding to our thoughts and feelings, we create our own reality. Nothing is predetermined, because we write our own life stories in real time, as we think it and feel it into existence.

Why then, do we believe that there is a destiny maker who sits up in heaven? Where is heaven? I clearly haven’t spotted it up here? What’s higher than this? I’ve squinted and tried to locate the supposedly golden gates of heaven, but my eyes only see the vast darkness illumined by tiny shining specks. Stars. So many of them.

And now I’m compelled to ask – How old am I? Am I also 14 billion years old, like the Universe? Or am I a few million years old like Z, E and D?

Maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with quantifying everything. The truth of how long I have existed can remain an enigma and I can make peace with not really knowing my age in numbers. But I need to know, who I am. Who I really am.

For now, I feel content to believe that I am just what Z, E and D are: Hydrogen, Helium, Heat and Light. I am, just like them, a blazing, shining glow. I am, in essence, just ‘energy’. I have always existed and I always will.

These thoughts dazzle me. And logic shocks. For it tells me that I am the stars that I gaze at, I am the moon that shines and pulls the tides, I am the sun that burns bright and the ocean that ebbs and flows, I am the gaseous storms on Jupiter and the icy rings of Saturn because at the core, I am what they all are- ‘energy’, just vibrating on a different frequency.   ‘I’ am the Universe – timeless, invincible and infinite!

Kaajal Barchha writes a great deal about how she feels and the things we could sometimes do well to collectively feel for. Her writing is different, entertaining and spontaneous. Read more from her here. SHOUT! often thinks aloud with her – a relationship rooted deep “in writing”.

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