THE FIRST THING OFF THE SHELF

(This piece belongs to a series titled “Freedom” on the network.)

I haven’t felt like an oversized Tee and Jeans in a long time.
With braided hair and a mug filled with hot divinity, I sit before my screen, eventually ditching it for a pencil and diary in which I write a note to my younger self –
A feeling that hasn’t come to me in a long time;
Arriving only when “Freedom” wholly and comprehensively explains my state of being.

Comforting words come out of you in comfortable clothing. They certainly come out of me.
Sure, my littler self would take some sass as good as she would give some, but the layer of ‘slightly scared’ beneath it all could also have used some soft talk to lighten her up.
For starters, I’d tell her to throw on that oversized tee.

“This is your miserable and magical all at once.

Some days are just shitty.
It doesn’t change no matter what stage of life you’re at.
Let that shit just go.

If you have a chance, the slightest chance at getting something that will make you happy, risk it.
Fall in love, make mistakes – loads of them.
It’s the only way you might do it right, eventually.

You can be soft and successful,
You can be sassy and sensitive and therefore, perceptive,
You can be a traditionalist and a rebel,
A lover and a fighter,
Vulnerable and Invincible, all at once.

Little by little, you will find the courage for it all.
It doesn’t come in a day.
But it does come in some measure, every day (even when you think you’re having a particularly bad one).

Those moments that you’re running out of breath, they exist for a reason.
And then one day, you’ll find a way to breathe…perhaps, not easy, but definitely more efficiently.

More importantly, there is that day when you have to dress fancy, to make that impression, to seem confident even when you’re not, not knowing if anything is ever going to work out or go to plan.
And then there’s this one, where you’re dressed as you are, as you feel and you are the person you are, in the place you were meant to be and you learn that the confusion, the chaos, the complexes, the lapses and the losses were a lead up to this moment of calm, quiet, confidence.

You’ll be alright baby girl.
Because you won’t settle until you are.
And even then, when you’re settled, you’ll hustle.
Only this time, smart.

I can’t deliver freedom to you, at your doorstep, just yet.
But I can promise you it’s coming.
Hold the door open.

In Jeans and a loose Tee.

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