I solemnly swear.

I solemnly swear I won’t eat Dairy.
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Sugar.
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Bread.
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Fried.
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Rice.
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Fried Rice. (Because you obviously read the two together).
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Meat and Eggs.
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Dessert.
I solemnly swear I won’t drink Alcohol.
I solemnly swear I won’t drink Aerated wonders.
I solemnly swear I won’t eat Nuts and Fish and Seafood.

And, I solemnly swear I will swear at you if I hear these anymore.
You may as well solemnly swear to take the joy out of life. To not eat. To not live.

Okay. So some of it is bad for you. Some of it is pointless to your well-being. It’s degenerative even. But what of the others?

Well, Milk is a sin.
Wheat is blasphemy!
Gluten is a pain in your glute.
Sugar is the equivalent of crack.
Because Fruits have Sugar, may be they’re a breed of weed.
Rice makes you bloat.
Meat is murder.
Eggs are half-murder.
Nuts make you…well…go nuts.
Seafood makes you see food. If you see food, you eat food. (Which, when you come right down to it, you’re not supposed to do!)
Chocolate has left us in the “Dark”. It’s been bad. Then it’s been good. And now, we can’t really tell. Not how much. Not how little. Not if at all.

What does that leave?
Exactly that.

Leaves aren’t so bad. There’s Lettuce and Kale and Spinach and Cabbage.
Actually, before that, teeth-thrashing.

But they can’t be the only thing you’re left with.
So, you throw in a bit of quinoa, seeds and roots.
Stuffed. And how. Divine satisfaction.

So, you have a choice to make: Broccoli or Brownie?
The next time you put the former on your plate,
Sure, chew the cud.
But also, chew the cud.

Is this the person you are? Is this the life you want to lead? Are these the choices you want to have to make? Are these the choices you want to make?
Kale over Kebab. Spinach over Spaghetti. Cabbage over Cupcake. Lettuce over Lasagna. Arugula over Rasgulla.
How long will you last?
Fun fact: Not very long.
Of course, you can make healthy choices. Nobody’s asking you to junk your body. But to put yourself through the trauma of that choice: every meal of every day for every morsel of food we put into our imperfect, confused, craving, illogical, hungry bodies, is not fair. It’s not on. It’s not us.

Eat that cupcake. Tear into that baked dish. May be throw some spinach into your spaghetti. Have a soda and popcorn at the movies but don’t thirst for it like your life depends on a sip or a whiff or a crunch. An occasional glass of prosecco never hurt anyone. If you feel like a burger and fries, go for it. But don’t sit on it. Get your arse moving and go run. Go fun. And come back and eat another one.

Break out of this goddamn calorie counting, disturbingly green, joyless exile from food.
There’s more colours and textures and tastes to life.
For every cow’s sake, leave the leaves on the trees.
And leave yourself alone!

Some days you’ll be the cow, some days you’ll be the pig.
Some days you’ll be both.
Be the horse on all, if you will.
Or, be a sloth. Hang from a tree (in which case, you might be able to grab those leaves while you loll).



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