The 15th of January, 2017.


The sky is so tragically beautiful tonight.
A graveyard of stars.
Except one.
It’s alive.
Glowing like the Sun. Warm and handsome and watching.

I wonder why he has to guard from afar. Perhaps he’s been trusted with the whole galaxy. He always had that kingly air about him – the eternal noble – caring and carrying everyone along. Why do they always take the best of us? Earth needs them so much more than the Heavens. I need him. To teach me right from wrong. To make me better. To just be around. And may be right now, to tell me to cry. This is the saddest kind of sad. When your tears can’t even drop and you feel nothing. It’s like the world has just ended. I’m sitting here, in the green of a rice field, staring vacantly into the dark blue of distance. And for a forlorn second, my heart died.

My father, the most potent force in my life, has left me flopping like a flounder at low tide. It’s the force that has made me dig in my feet and stand firm whenever I have. The force that put anything decent and moral and of good report in my character. I did not know until now, until I lost him that I worshipped him. I do. He’s gone. With a wind that doesn’t blow in reverse.

I want to believe I don’t stand alone. I want to believe the force still holds the fort of my being together. I want to believe he’s still here. Is he? The soul that shines. Lighting the path I will tread.

And I’m supposed to just go. Go see all the beauty in the world. With a heart so heavy, an existence so lonely, a will so shaky, a future so iffy – unlocking mystery after mystery – inexplicably, trusting emphatically in destiny. And although, I’ve always liked stories where women save themselves, I never thought I’d be the one to in my own. Perhaps one day it will all make sense. Right now, it doesn’t. Right now, it just doesn’t…




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